I’m Going Conservative

Last night, as I lay awake, wondering about my life and my political beliefs, I had an epiphany. I've been so unhappy lately because I've been wrong. I have been undermining America with my progressive politics. Not to mention being a lousy example of my religion. So I'm repenting and mending my ways.

As of this moment (well, as of some moment last night between 1 a.m. and 2 a.m.), I am a conservative. I realize now that this is the only way our country can be saved. We are heading into disaster with all of this progressivism. We've got a way for more people to get health care, but it's too expensive. We should be taking that money and pouring more of it into Iraq. After all, there was a move that made sense. It's all about national security. There's something worth increasing the national deficit by trillions. After all, the best national defense is an invasive offense.

Forget promoting the “general Welfare.” Our government has no business trying to make our lives better. That's up to us to do. As long as we can afford what the corporations are charging in an unfettered market. No need for government regulation when the corporations are perfectly capable of regulating themselves. They've never lied to us before.

Happy April Fools' Day.